You know you're overanalyzing it. Just doing it is the hard part.
You're in New York—a beautiful place with millions of wonderful people. You see the exact social life and relationships you want, and the opportunities are right there. Just one problem: your mind keeps focusing on what can go wrong. You see the loop happening, and you're still stuck in it.
Constant self-monitoring. You're in the room, but not present. You're too focused on how you look or sound or come across.
Overthinking. You know exactly what you need to do, but get too stuck in your head to follow through.
Avoiding social situations. Anxiety feels like a stop sign, and staying away feels easier than a conversation.
Poor self-image. It's hard to imagine social situations actually going well. what will they think of me?
KNowing and doing
are two different
things. Now what?
You have some problems (a lot of us do). But insight isn't one of yours. You can say a lot about your self-defeating thoughts, your anxious feelings, and your ideas for what you should do about them. You also know about groundbreaking advice like breathe and stop caring about what others think. But nothing sticks.
Here's the actual problem: knowing and doing are two different things. If willpower gave results, you wouldn't be reading this, and I’d be out of a job. Socializing, relationships, and a healthier self-image all take the right kind of practice.
And this is where therapy helps.
not a you issue. just a skill issue.
You either got it, or you don't doesn't apply to socializing. Holding conversations, redirecting your mind away from anxious thoughts, keeping your phone in your damn pocket when the talkative coworker walks into the room—these are all skills, and no one is born with them. They're learned the same way everything else is. Repeatedly. And repeatedly.
Here are some therapeutic approaches that are typically best for what you got going on. They give structure and require the repititon that makes change stick.
Cognitive behavioral therapy. Identifying self-defeating thoughts in real time, and practicing more compassionate ways of thinking.
Mindfulness. Observing your present thoughts, feelings, and choices in and without harsh self-judgment.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Treating discouraging thoughts and feelings as passing experiences that we can accept—not fight or act upon.
Here's the useful stuff.
You're complicated enough (most of us are). Therapy shouldn't be complicated, too. Along the way, you'll practice a set of skills that simplify treating yourself more compassionately, staying focused while anxious, and taking healthy social risks. You'll decide the skills for yourself—they depend on what you specifically want out of therapy.
Here are a few examples that clients typically seek out. Most notice that they build self-kindness, physical and emotional comfort while socializing, and confidence when holding a conversation.
Cognitive defusion. separating yourself from your thoughts and choosing how to react to them. Unhelpful thoughts are just brain signals—not commands we automatically follow.
Grounding skills. Simple, tangible coping skills to help you remain calm and directed when anxiety pops up.
Conversation skills. Building and maintaining social connections, and feeling comfortable even when what to say doesn't come easily.
Gradual exposure. Easing into challenging situations as you practice new skills. No step is too small. What are you willing to try this week?
Mentalization. Accurately understanding your own mental state as well as others'. Crucial for noticing people's positive intentions when socializing is going well.
What makes this therapy different?
Evidence-based. Structured therapy backed by research and shown to especially help people with social anxiety.
Real-time practice. Use session time to practice new skills immediately. This helps applying them throughout the week.
Goal-driven. You'll set your own goals at your own pace. Most sessions end with a clear next step to practice between sessions.
Collaborative. You know yourself best. We'll work together to create an approach that meets your goals, and you'll give feedback along the way.
faq.
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I am only licensed to work with current residents of New York State.
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Not at this time.
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Not at all. Some people I work with experience neither.
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After our consult call, we’ll schedule an intake session to gather more specific info about your complaints, your background, and your goals. Then, the work begins.