Just because it's simple doesn't mean it's easy.
You know what self-control looks like. It seems simple. I think, I do. You see a healthier relationship with sex and pornography for yourself—one that's not compulsive and time-consuming. All it takes is not acting impulsively.
Just one problem: self-control isn't always easy. Your mind keeps focusing on an urge, not your options. You see the loop happening, and you're still stuck in it.
Feeling out of control. You act quickly and impulsively duriong an urge. And even as you realize what's happening, you don't know how to slow down yet.
Preoccupation. Pornography, fantasies, and other sexual behaviors aren't moderate anymore. They happen frequently and at inappropriate times.
Relationship strains. You know exactly how your sexual compulsions take you out of relationships, but you feel too stuck to do anything about them.
Falling behind on tasks. Late for work, procrastinating, saving money you need—porngraphy gets more of your time and resources than what actually matters to you.
Using sex to cope. Pornography—and sex itself—aren't just about sex anymore. They've become ways to take you out of stress, anxiety, and other negative emotions.
Knowing and doing are two different things. Now what?
You have some problems (a lot of us do). But insight isn't one of yours. You can say a lot about your overwhelming urges, your intrusive sexual thoughts, and your ideas about what you should do about them. You also know about genius advice like just stop and do something else. But it never translated into action.
Here's the actual problem: knowing and doing are two different things. If willpower gave results, you wouldn't be reading this, and I’d be out of a job. Self-control, healthy coping skills, and a balanced sex life all take the right kind of practice.
And this is where therapy helps.
Not a you issue. Just a skill issue.
You either got it, or you don't doesn't apply to cutting back your problematic pornography use. Noticing an urge as it pops up, redirecting your mind away from execessive fantasies, doing something else when stress hits—these are all skills, and no one is born with them. They're learned the same way everything else is. Practiced repeatedly. And repeatedly.
Here are some therapeutic approaches that are typically best for what you got going on. They give structure and require the repititon that makes change more permanant.
Cognitive behavioral therapy. Identifying self-defeating thoughts in real time, and practicing more compassionate ways of thinking.
Mindfulness. Observing your present thoughts, feelings, and choices without harsh self-judgment.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Treating discouraging thoughts and feelings as passing experiences that we can accept—not fight or act upon.
Here's what will actually change.
You're complicated enough (most of us are). Therapy shouldn't be complicated, too. Along the way, you'll practice a set of skills that simplify staying calm during an urge, staying focused while preoccupied, and then doing something else. You'll decide the skills for yourself—they depend on what you specifically want out of therapy.
Here are a few examples that clients typically seek out. Most notice that they build self-control and confidence when an urge comes.
Cognitive defusion. separating yourself from your thoughts and choosing how react to them. Sexual urges are just brain signals—not commands to automatically follow.
Grounding skills. Simple, tangible coping skills to help you remain calm and directed when an urge pops up.
Emotional resilience. Managing your responses to stress rather than acting impulsively, solving problems effectively, and realizing your decisions influence outcomes.
Gradual exposure. Easing into challenging situations as you practice new skills. No step is too small. What are you willing to try this week?
Intentional decision-making. Building routines around what matters to you the most. Making small but deliberate and meaningful decisions each day.
What makes this therapy different?
Evidence-based. Structured therapy backed by research and shown to especially help people with social anxiety.
Real-time practice. Use session time to practice new skills immediately. This helps applying them throughout the week.
Goal-driven. You'll set your own goals at your own pace. Most sessions end with a clear next step to practice between sessions.
Collaborative. You know yourself best. We'll work together to create an approach that meets your goals, and you'll give feedback along the way.
faq.
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I am only licensed to work with current residents of New York State.
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Not at this time.
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Not at all. Some people I work with experience neither.
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After our consult call, we’ll schedule an intake session to gather more specific info about your complaints, your background, and your goals. Then, the work begins.